The Unknown, Fear, Love, and Development

Nigeria is an infamously intense place. In the Bradts guidebook, it describes Nigeria as 'Africa for the very experienced.' Since I found out about this trip, it's been very interesting to notice all that goes on inside me, as well as in others' responses when they hear where I'm going.

Some of my friends are worried about me. I get that. And to the extent possible I feel I have weighed the risks. But I am following my instincts. There is something much larger that I feel more strongly, which is love for humanity and a desire that goes back as long as I can remember to more deeply identify with a larger, non-separate view on the world.

Indeed many aspects of this opportunity have been nearly entirely incomprehensible. When I went into the San Francisco Travel Clinic for my first of many shots - Yellow Fever, which is required for the Visa application - every fiber of my being squirmed. I don't have a framework in which Yellow Fever, Typhoid, or Malaria fit into life. It is so far removed from me, and on top of that it often seems more likely that someone will mention one of these dangers than something about the daily reality there.

Honestly I know I'm being idealistic, yet I am doing my best to be realistic as well, and this is what has gotten me to the point now where I can find out where the rubber meets the road. Through everything I have studied and worked towards, I have felt a strong need to ground it in my care for humanity beyond the small segment of the world who I am identified with.

Right now it's all very unknown to me. The land, the people, the languages, the ways of seeing the world, are all unknown. The extent of this unknown is way beyond my comprehension.

Yet from the beginning as I have been learning about Leading From Within, the participants, the country and it's kaleidoscope of culture, I have felt a real sense of intimacy and shared humanity that goes beyond the fact that it is all so unknown. I first read Gail Hochochka and Lisa Gibson's description of the program on the One Sky website, and then discovered the three minute video clips of each of the participants talking about his or her work as a leader. From such a far away place I felt their passion and dedication to their work, as well the respect that One Sky holds for them. I was moved to tears in seeing what Integral applied in this vastly different place can do - it can allow me, sitting in my apartment in California, to feel intimately connected to a place and people that are totally foreign to me.

More basically I'm getting to see where the rubber meets the road in my own development. I have continued to feel pleasantly surprised that my trust has grown beyond my fears - my trust in Spirit, my trust in Integral, and my trust in myself to follow my heart.

No doubt at times my fear may double and triple in size as I go into such unknown, yet I feel a profound gratitude and humility in seeing the change I have embodied. I reflect back to the time I wrote a paper in college on the brain drain in Africa, and see that what was once a concept, not necessarily something worth risking anything over - is now becoming a part of my heart... that what has changed in me in order to be willing to do this, is priceless.